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Before we get started

One of my most coveted values in life is connecting with others. There are only a few things in life that give me as much energy as sharing genuine conversations or experiences. It’s the reason I started sharing on LinkedIn back in 2017, it’s the reason I offered way too many design mentoring sessions during the pandemic, and it’s the reason I started this newsletter.

Some readers of my first post reached out to let me know that I could go even deeper into the thoughts and emotions I’ve experienced throughout my career, unemployment, and job searching. That’s just the stuff that I want to hear! The reason I didn’t go as deep in the first post was that I thought I’d scare you all away.

This one gets a bit more honest, so I’m writing here today to give the people what they want!

I get it. My career is not my identity.

I think about and say this quite often, yet no matter how conscious I am that this is the case, it’s an ever-present game of tug of war in my mind between teams “Yes it is” and “No it isn’t.” The more I grow personally and professionally, the easier this game becomes. But despite knowing who the winner should be, I’m not sure it will ever end.

I touched on this in my first post, but the majority of us work hard to fund the lives we want to live. This requires immense time, focus, and dedication. To me, spending the majority of each weekday day at work makes it nearly impossible to remove the connection between our careers and lives.

What it means to earn as a man

Last year was not my first stint of unemployment. In 2018, I left a design role at an electric vehicle startup because of its toxic environment. There were times that they didn’t make payroll, others where they cut our salaries in half, and others where they furloughed employees.

Most, if not all of these events, can be attributed to poor partnerships and financial decisions made by the business. I bring this up simply to share how this experience compares and contrasts with being laid off last year.

Back to earning. Societal pressures often dictate that men must fulfill the role of primary earners and providers for their families. This can easily make men feel their value is tied to financial success (bingo). It can make some prioritize work over personal well-being or relationships. These pressures can also create feelings of inadequacy when financial goals aren't met, impacting mental health and self-esteem. Bullseye 🎯

I want this to stick with you because this is what sticks with me and is what I’ve spent years trying to reflect and improve on.

A lot of personal development goes into identifying, understanding, and reflecting on your feelings or reactions to concepts like what it means to earn as a man. Years ago I would simply judge myself for feeling certain ways or having certain reactions. Today, I’m able to identify, understand, and reflect on a feeling before diving into the judgment deep end. That’s progress.

Despite spending thousands on therapy over the years (relax, it’s not taboo) and learning how to use these tools to take a step back from situations before reacting, this concept of being adequate and being a provider sometimes makes its way back.

The true impact of being laid off

I know I was overall okay with the situation, but you can imagine that taking months off from even looking for a job comes with its challenges. Because of everything mentioned above regarding connection, some days or weeks can feel a bit like a roller coaster. There have been days when I wake up ready to take on whatever they have to offer and others where I’m not as ready and have a feeling of sadness.

2018 me turned to video games, isolating and shutting people out—a super healthy trifecta of decisions. I don’t do that anymore because I have a much easier time figuring out what I can do to process and/or alleviate any feelings of sadness or disconnection.

I wanted to draw a connection between being laid off and the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. In a way, you’re grieving the sudden loss of a job and, for some, their primary way of paying their mortgage and providing for their families.

How it happened

My wife, Elyssa, and I had 5 contractors coming to our house at 8:30 am on a Wednesday. This same morning, at about 7:45 am, a colleague and friend texted me a link to an article that leaked that the layoffs were happening and they were happening that day. I was surprised that it hadn’t leaked before the day that they were announcing them.

I opened my laptop and, sure enough, there was a meeting scheduled for 8:30 am titled “Leaving Intuit” on my calendar. My stomach sank and I told Elyssa “You might have to let the contractors in, I think I’m being laid off.” I then proceeded to take my meeting from the backyard. I was shaking but that’s a normal physiological response for me when I’m giving big presentations, am embarrassed, or when I think others pity me.

I was greeted by a Product Design Manager who I was familiar with but never worked with directly (my manager was on PTO and didn’t know about the layoffs)She gave me the news and shared details about my bonus (it was that time), severance package, and benefits. The shaking continued as I entered the “this person is probably pitying me” stage.

I received my full bonus according to company revenue goals and my “Achieving Expectations” as well as six months of pay and healthcare. If you’re not familiar with layoffs, this was an insanely generous package. I recognize that, just because you get a large severance package, not all affected are in the same situation. Some were on parental leave, others needed Visa sponsorship, both of which are not things that a severance package will completely fix.

The Five Stages of Grief

Denial

While I couldn’t believe that it was actually happening, it was more of a quick shock than anything. I actually didn’t feel much denial. If I’m being completely honest, I was somewhat refreshed. I had felt like “finally” something was forcing me to do what, deep down, I knew I wanted to do, leave and find something more fulfilling.

Was I bummed at how it would make me look? Not at first. I was happy with my “Achieving expectations” bonus as it’s difficult to exceed expectations in a performance review, and let’s face it, I was not in the headspace to try to attain that title knowing there was little to no room for a title change or compensation bump.

Anger

I also didn’t feel angry about the layoff. So much so that I was convinced I was gaslighting myself into not being angry about the layoff. I almost gaslit myself about gaslighting myself, a true skill.

I wasn’t angry because, for a while, I hadn’t felt like myself at work. The truth is I don’t enjoy remote work, I think I loathe it (not really, but kind of). Yes, the flexibility is great, but I missed the connection that hybrid/in-person brings. I don’t mean to sound like every CEO in recent times, but I do find it better being in person with coworkers. I get that it’s not for everyone.

Bargaining

The only bargaining during this life event was how much money I would or would not spend on materials to build a deck in the backyard. It was on my list for a while, so this was ideal timing. The labor was free, and now we have a deck. There wasn’t a bone in my body that wanted to bargain for my job back. The severance package was generous enough to make some jealous and others motivated to leave anyway. I was, and still am excited to see what’s next for me.

Between this newsletter and the idea to rent out some accessories, I’m giving myself the opportunity to make hundreds of dollars 💸.

Depression

It wasn’t the layoff as an event that produced feelings of depression, it’s more so the feeling of being lonely, and lost, and not Kenough, and a terrible designer, and an imposter, and someone who is so funny that nobody laughs at his jokes because they don’t understand. Not all need to be present at the same time.

I am at my best when I: feel connected with others (whether it be my wife, friends, or family); have direction (whether it be focusing on home projects while taking some time off from work); taking care of others; designing (whether it be digital or physical, and yes, decks count); and when I feel like I know what I’m talking about (rare).

While I don’t have a way to stop any of these sad feelings from entering my head, I know very well the things I can do to not let it take over my entire day. For me, being active makes the biggest impact. Outside of the dopamine release that occurs, I notice that on days that I workout, I want to eat healthier—another thing that helps me feel great about myself.

Knowing yourself

Knowing yourself is the most important thing. Working out works great for me, but it might be something different for you. Whatever it is, being intentional and choosing to do things you know make you feel good have a waterfall effect. One “good” decision leads to another, and so on.

This isn’t to say ignore feelings of sadness, but more so to say that everybody feels sad sometimes. If someone tells you they never feel sad, they are lying or they are a sociopath named Dexter.

Open job postings

This escalated quickly

I like writing and sharing my experiences, so thank you for taking the time to read through this. As always, you can find me on LinkedIn. Feel free to reach out with any questions, comments, or feedback as I look to write about relevant topics.