Intro

Masculinity can mean different things to different people, but I’d like to share how my view of masculinity has changed over the years, especially in times when I was unemployed.

This week’s post may be more relevant to some than others. Regardless of what your definition of masculinity is, unemployment is something that can drastically change how someone views themselves. It can challenge the very principles you believe in or use to define yourself.

TL;DR of this post

1. What it means to be “masculine” is defined in many ways and is different for everyone.

   1. Traditional emphasizes dominance and toughness.

   2. Modern emphasises emotional intelligence.

2. Emotional intelligence and awareness opens up ways to improve reactions.

3. Choose healthy coping mechanisms. Mine used to be a video game addiction (bad), now it’s a routine schedule (better)

4. The 2025 job market is insanely competitive. So many qualified candidates are interviewing for each role.

5. Focusing on building and maintaining strong relationships can bring positivity to your process and life.

Definition

Apple’s dictionary is definitely more traditional and defines masculinity as qualities or attributes regarded as characteristic of men or boys: handsome, muscled, and driven, he's a prime example of masculinity.

What does handsome have to do with it? I have no idea…

ChatGPT defines masculinity as a set of attributes, behaviors, and roles traditionally associated with boys and men. It is often shaped by cultural, social, and historical contexts, which influence what is considered “masculine” in different societies.

The important context that ChatGPT and other AI products add is the differences in definitions/associations in varying societies and times. The example I’ll be referring to in this post is my opinion on traditional vs modern masculinity.

Traditional, according to ChatGPT and I, emphasizes being dominant, decisive, confident, and physically strong, while the modern perspective includes vulnerability and being in touch with your emotions.

Sadly, others, especially toxic men with large followings, showcase their definition of masculinity by smoking cigars and being a**holes. That’s another world.

To me, combining attributes from both definitions makes sense. I think of myself as someone who is confident in knowing what he wants and also has a high level of emotional awareness and intelligence.

Emotional Intelligence

This feeling of needing to provide and protect you and your significant other or family can result in drastic differences depending on how comfortable you are and how good at 1. recognizing the feelings that come up while being unemployed and 2. being able to communicate those feelings.

It’s not bad to feel down or other negative feelings, but it can quickly become an issue if you ignore or suppress them.

For some reason, I hate the word vulnerable. Maybe because of the stigma around the term or association with therapy. I’m comfortable being vulnerable and going to therapy, but for some reason, I hate saying the word. We’re not unpacking that.

Unemployment x Masculinity, a Love Story

The aspect of masculinity that I think goes hand-in-hand with unemployment (hence the Taylor Swift love story) is the expectation of being the provider and protector.

Now, whether or not you agree with this being an accurate modern-day representation, I can say with high confidence, which is masculine af, that it is something that comes up being a man experiencing unemployment.

This isn’t to say that women don’t or can’t feel like the provider or protector, but taking into account traditional definitions of masculinity and how a lot of Gen-X’ers and Millennials were raised is the reason I’m focusing on it. It’s just my experience.

2018 Me

I’ve written about it before, and I’m sure I’ll write about it again after this, but my time leaving a toxic work environment and being unemployed in 2018 was one of the hardest and darkest challenges of my life. Being able to reflect now, I feel that it was made even more difficult because I felt embarrassed and ashamed.

The feeling of embarrassment and shame I felt at that time isn’t surprising to me now. I was a 27-year-old who avoided conflict and was uncomfortable at the thought of “reflecting on feelings.” I had also moved to California a year prior and had been working since 2014 without an extended break in employment.

Failure is the adjective that I felt defined me internally, forcing me to start withdrawing from friends, family, and my girlfriend at the time (now wife, boom). It’s different for everyone, but my coping mechanism was video games, and I believe that I became addicted.

I didn’t want to travel (which I love doing), and I didn’t want to be around people (which I also love doing), all I wanted to do was stay inside play video games which, as you can imagine, is not sustainable—unless you’re a Twitch streamer, but I didn’t have the capacity to turn my depression around and monetize it. Slacked on that.

It wasn’t until I started going to therapy that I learned how to recognize, communicate, and deal with times when I felt down. This increase in emotional awareness is a primary contributor to my drastically different outlook on unemployment and what it feels to be masculine after being impacted by a mass layoff in June of 2025.

2025 Me

Bringing this back to my opinion on what it means to be masculine, I feel like this time around, I did an infinitely better job of being present and showing up for myself and my wife.

I stuck with things I knew would help me feel good and even tried some new things. And, despite this stint of being unemployed, not being on my terms, the amount of notice and severance I was given helped alleviate some of the worry.

Obviously, I’d love to always be the provider, but that’s simply not always the case. I’d love to always be the decision maker, but how can one person in a two-person relationship be the decision maker? Also, I’m not right about everything, and it’s masculine af to admit that. I’d love to be at my peak physical fitness, but I have a life and lack self-control around salt & vinegar chips.

All this to say that I can understand that (write this down) attributes of both the traditional and modern definitions of masculinity can be present at any given time.

2025 me has a job and a healthy relationship, and even without the job, I’ve put in the work over the years to ensure that the relationship remains healthy no matter what.

Hope this helps.

Thank you

As always, thank you for reading or listening, and you can find me on LinkedIn. Feel free to reach out with any questions, comments, or feedback!